Tonight, at exactly 21:21 on BBC1, the nation stepped back in utter horror as the United Kingdom's entry for Eurovision was premiered by a pig-nosed, overdressed, teen-faced amateur and JESUS CHRIST, WE WEPT. We WEPT as we all heard just exactly what a moron Pete Waterman is. Now, I always had fair reservations of Waterman's credentials as the writer and producer of this year's entry. I can't even remember the last time he had a sizable hit. Shockingly, the BBC thought it was a good idea. Let's go from a high (coming 5th after years in the bottom-5 doldrums) to quite possibly being laughed out of the competition. Pete Waterman says he knows what the Europeans want. I think once they hear it, he'll realise that what the Europeans want is for the UK NEVER TO ENTER THE COMPETITION EVER AGAIN.
Now initially, the performances were all Stock/Aitken/Waterman songs. And afterwards, my thought was "we cannot send one of these amateurish singers. It would be an absolute mockery of the whole thing..."
And then we heard the entry song.
And suddenly all thoughts turned to "WE CANNOT LET THEM GO WITH THIS SONG!" - And God help us, we had to listen to it three times before deciding which one of the awful performers had to face the unfair task of singing that... song... live to the whole of Europe. NO. How unfair.
It makes me think that Pete Waterman must be some kind of masochist. Or he's just an awful, stuck-in-the-80s songwriter who shouldn't be allowed to go near a music studio again. I would say he's putting his reputation on the line with this debacle but to be perfectly honest, what reputation has he got these days? The man does not know music anymore. His songs have sounded the same for 20 years and yeah, we've got some 80s music styles back in the charts but even by 80s song standards, Waterman's song sound dated and... well, shocking.
21:46 and the BBC show a video reel of "tips" for a Eurovision winner. WHY DID THEY NOT GIVE THIS TO PETE WATERMAN!? OR WHY DID WE NOT LET A PROPER SONGWRITER DO IT?!
Tell you what, next year, I'm going to enter myself into the thing or at least write the song AND IT WILL BE AMAZING.
Promise.
21:57 and poor little Josh (surname not included) has to represent our country. May he not be pelted in the streets because it's not his fault... but if you see Pete Waterman, give him the biggest possible slap you can.
That would only be fair on us all.
Do you bit. Slap Pete Waterman.
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