I'm not bothered, I'm saying it regardless...

Eurovision 2010

Top 5 (three ballads, a Muse-alike band and just ONE uptempo number)

1: Georgia

2: Azerbaijan

3: Malta

4: Romania

5: Turkey

And if the UK even place, I'll eat some crisps. Not nice ones; the horrible, gum-cutting crisps and a flavour I can't stand.

I won't eat a hat. Who knows what it'll do to my insides.

I was gonna put Iceland in there but to be honest, the woman singing it has no charisma or stage presence.

But seriously, the UK is doomed. It gives drivel a good name.

BYE NOW! I'm going to sleep some more.

All about losing faith...

Sometimes you get a chance to gaze in wonder at the beauty of all things in life. Just how beautiful some things are and how... no, I'm sorry I can't keep this up. I've started losing total faith in humanity.

Tonight, at exactly 21:21 on BBC1, the nation stepped back in utter horror as the United Kingdom's entry for Eurovision was premiered by a pig-nosed, overdressed, teen-faced amateur and JESUS CHRIST, WE WEPT. We WEPT as we all heard just exactly what a moron Pete Waterman is. Now, I always had fair reservations of Waterman's credentials as the writer and producer of this year's entry. I can't even remember the last time he had a sizable hit. Shockingly, the BBC thought it was a good idea. Let's go from a high (coming 5th after years in the bottom-5 doldrums) to quite possibly being laughed out of the competition. Pete Waterman says he knows what the Europeans want. I think once they hear it, he'll realise that what the Europeans want is for the UK NEVER TO ENTER THE COMPETITION EVER AGAIN.

Now initially, the performances were all Stock/Aitken/Waterman songs. And afterwards, my thought was "we cannot send one of these amateurish singers. It would be an absolute mockery of the whole thing..."

And then we heard the entry song.

And suddenly all thoughts turned to "WE CANNOT LET THEM GO WITH THIS SONG!" - And God help us, we had to listen to it three times before deciding which one of the awful performers had to face the unfair task of singing that... song... live to the whole of Europe. NO. How unfair.

It makes me think that Pete Waterman must be some kind of masochist. Or he's just an awful, stuck-in-the-80s songwriter who shouldn't be allowed to go near a music studio again. I would say he's putting his reputation on the line with this debacle but to be perfectly honest, what reputation has he got these days? The man does not know music anymore. His songs have sounded the same for 20 years and yeah, we've got some 80s music styles back in the charts but even by 80s song standards, Waterman's song sound dated and... well, shocking.

21:46 and the BBC show a video reel of "tips" for a Eurovision winner. WHY DID THEY NOT GIVE THIS TO PETE WATERMAN!? OR WHY DID WE NOT LET A PROPER SONGWRITER DO IT?!

Tell you what, next year, I'm going to enter myself into the thing or at least write the song AND IT WILL BE AMAZING.

Promise.

21:57 and poor little Josh (surname not included) has to represent our country. May he not be pelted in the streets because it's not his fault... but if you see Pete Waterman, give him the biggest possible slap you can.

That would only be fair on us all.

Do you bit. Slap Pete Waterman.

Yikes! Blogging is hard sometimes...

OH MY WORD. It's about time I started blogging. I have far too much to say and there's only so much I can write on Twitter before I get cut o...

Yeah, 140 characters is OK for random texting but sometimes a good platform is all you need and it's about time I started using it again!

Now then, I won't lie about being a bit of a fan of reality shows (certain ones that is) but to be perfectly honest, I'm very much a non-favouritist. I never have a favourite because I've always seen these shows as "the best man wins" (with apologies to the females, it's a saying, no offence intended).

And yet once again, the curse of the high-flyer comes to the fore. This week, Dancing On Ice's Hayley Tamaddon has come under fire for being "the favourite". How dare she be amazing. How dare she know what she is doing. How dare she be quite a lot better than anyone else. How dare she. The sheer nerve of her practising hard and putting a lot of effort into what is clearly natural to her in the same way that it was to Ray Quinn last year!

Seriously, if that makes any sense to you then you're clearly on the level of all those irritating people who dislike someone because they are good at something and you should be culled immediately. Last time I checked, envy was a sin. To be absolutely forthright, tonight, Hayley was absolutely mindblowing. Every single fibre of my being was captivated, the hairs stood on the back of my neck and for the first time in nearly six years, I voted for someone on a reality TV show.

That's how good she was. And yet suddenly she's being pounced on. "Oh the judges might have given her a six, but that doesn't mean she's any good."

DID YOU JUST HEAR YOURSELF? Did you not see what everyone else saw? The frustration might not pour from my words here but sometimes I literally want to shake people for their utterly moronic and jealousy-stained comments. Shocking. That's the kind of comment that makes me lose faith in a lot of things, particularly people's sanity. She was quite obviously the best tonight when she performed her routine to Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire.

Fancy jumping on me? No you don't. Because at no point during this post did I mention that I liked her. I have not been favouritist. I have merely been objective. I thought Kieron was excellent this week. I also thought Gary's footwork was excellent and he performed very competently. Mikey's done remarkably well in the short time he's had given everything he's had to fit in this week. Daniella's performance, while not as good as she's done in the previous weeks, was again charming and fluid and Danny's Rocky routine was also very good.

I'm not turning on any of the celebrities because to be honest, I don't want to or need to. They're learning skills that I would love to and they're doing something that we're not doing and there's no need to be degrading or jealous of these celebrities just because they have the opportunities to do these things.

I'm not saying "don't have your favourites" because you're all entitled to it. But under no circumstances would I or should I accept you to shit all over another person's performance for whatever reason. They're out there doing it and putting their hearts into it and if you feel the disturbing need to tell them that "because they're not my favourite, I'm going to spit all over them" - then you should be spat on yourself.

I don't remember them do anything to hurt you...